Cheering Up Zander: First Chapter Excerpt

It’s been over a month since I started this novel, and frankly, I didn’t think anything would come of it. Now I’m here, past the 41K, possibly looking at going over the 50K mark, and feeling very confident that this is going to be my first novel. In fact, I’m already planning two books after this.

I’m feeling so great about this novel that I want to share part of the first chapter with you.

But first, here’s some background: I used to work in retail, and I encountered some of the worst people imaginable. Senior citizens who tried to force me into giving them discounts without my manager’s explicit go-ahead; stay-at-home moms who threatened to sic their husbands on me if I didn’t cave in to their demands; creepy young men who would leer at me (one even asked to smell my “feets”)… you name any breed of asshole, and chances are that I met them.

That’s what I’ve written about in this sample. Let me tell you, it was kind of therapeutic. I got to take the worst out of every customer I remember, ball it up into one character, and watch the scene unfold. It’s the magic of writing.

Now keep in mind that this is from the first draft, so it’s not quite polished yet. Grammatical and spelling errors, brackets in place of better words, and general word glut may abound.

Characters and text copyright 2012 Sabrina Winters. All rights reserved.

Lore Bradshaw just wanted to go home.

She wanted to throw her shoes off her bruised feet, burn her apron, lie down in her bed, and forget she was ever desperate enough to apply to the grocery store.

Most of all, she wanted to forget all the horrible, rude customers that ever came to her register. Those who pushed aside the register blocker that indicated she was closed for the night. Those who demanded that she ring up their thirty items in her twelve items or less lane. And especially those who waited until the end of a transaction to present their savings card.

“Now you’re going to have to do it all over again!” yelled the woman who was making every effort to intimidate Lore. She leaned in with her orange-tanned face, every concealer-caked pore visible. Her burgundy dress suit didn’t help the color scheme.

“I’m sorry. I asked for your savings card at the beginning, and you said that you’d give it to me after—”

“Don’t you argue with me!” The woman slammed her fists down on the counter. All eyes were on her. “Do you have any idea what an inconvenience this is? I can’t be sitting at home counting up everything to make sure that you didn’t make a mistake! I’m a busy woman! I’m important! I’ve got things to do with my life!”

The man with her, probably her husband or boyfriend, seemed very interested in the candy. What little Lore could see of his face indicated that he wasn’t lost in childhood memories of candy stores. He was clearly just as tortured by the woman’s raging.

Ben, the daytime manager, came scurrying up. Fear filled his eyes, but he kept his voice even. “Yes, ma’am, how can we help you?”

The woman spun around and regarded with a wretched glare. “Your cashier—” She pointed a blood red fingernail at Lore “—didn’t ask for my savings card when she started to ring up my items! How do I know if I’ve been cheated?”

Lore’s stomach twisted. She wanted to run away, hide in the break room and lick her wounds until she was brave enough to face the public again. In two weeks. Or a month.

The man at the candy braved a look at the woman. Lore pegged him at thirty-five or so in maturity; the angular lines of his strong face said late twenties. The dark blazer and dress pants spoke of a corporate career; a ladder-climbing, perhaps customer-free career. His dark brown hair shone auburn in the lights, and fell around his face in a handsome shaggy cut. Contempt filled his hazel eyes when they fell on the woman.

The thought that he disliked the woman gave Lore some comfort. But in the end, what did it matter if another person thought the customer was a horrible human being? Hating customers didn’t give her an edge over them, nor did it improve her life. Getting out of retail entirely would.

Ben had been cramming the woman’s cart with her groceries. He topped off the pile with the long receipt. “If you want, ma’am I can take you over at register nine, and we can ring up everything again—”

“No. I’m going straight to customer service and have them check everything! I’m not walking out of here until I’m sure that I’ve saved every possible cent advertised in this store! Maybe if you didn’t hire community college rejects...”

Her voice faded as she stormed away to the service desk on the other end of the store. Ben sighed, threw Lore an apologetic look, and hustled after the customer.

Lore sucked in air. Customers around her whispered and shook their heads. “Bitch demon,” muttered an older woman.

The man turned to Lore with a gourmet lollipop. Watermelon flavor. Lore rang it up. She gave him the total in a small voice. She quickly coughed and said the total again.

“Do you need a bag?” she asked.

“No.”

He gave her the correct change. When she handed him the lollipop, he gently pushed back on her hand. He was warm and tender; she realized just how chilly her own skin was, and almost yanked back her hand to slip it in her pocket.

She looked up at him curiously. His hazel eyes shone with regret and understanding. She spotted the gold band on his finger. Lore felt so sorry for him.

“I apologize for her,” he said. His voice was filled with pity and... a strange sense of determination.

“It’s not your fault.” Lore fought back a sniffle.

He gestured to the lollipop. “I know it’s not much, but...” He shrugged. “When I was little, my grandma would buy me a little treat. ‘A little sweet to chase away the sour,’ she used to say.” He looked over his shoulder at the customer service desk. “It’ll take an entire continent of sugar to chase that one away.”

Just as he said that, the woman returned. She pushed the cart before her, a smug smile on her face, speaking to Ben loud enough for Lore to hear.

“... such rudeness. Customer service used to be better back in the day. That’s when people actually cared.”

“We’re sorry about this, ma’am.”

“You should be. I was totally mistreated,” the woman sniffed. “Perhaps you should consider retraining this one.”

Ben sighed. But before he could speak, the woman turned on him.

“But don’t you think that I’m going to remain a loyal customer after this.” She pulled out her savings card from her wallet. “This... is my payback.”

The woman marched around the register, grabbed a pair of scissors (bumping Lore hard in the process), and marched to the bagging end of the counter. She started cutting the savings card into pieces, her face contorting into a mask of dark glee.

Lore watched, almost detached. What was this woman trying to prove? She looked over at the man, who was shaking his head.

The card pieces sat on the counter. The woman scraped them up in one hand, brandishing the scissors in the other. Her eyes flashed with evil intent as she glared up at Lore.

“You are in customer service! You should be bending over backwards for the people you serve!” The corner of her mouth twitched. “Don’t be surprised if I never shop here again!”

Lore shielded herself as the woman threw the card pieces at her. She had just lowered her arms when the scissors came flying. They ricocheted around the register and counter before clattering at her feet.

Reveling in the imagined victory, the woman turned to the man. “Come along, Zander.”

The man quickly turned to Lore. “Are you all right? Did you get cut?”

Lore was almost afraid to put her arms down and look. “I don’t know.”

She felt his warm hands on her arms. “Let me check—”

“Zander,” came the warning.

Lore looked down and saw the man’s hands turning her arms around. He smiled and let her pull them back to her body.

“Sorry. I just had to see if you were okay.”

“Zander...”

His mouth moved as if he were going to curse at the woman, but he restrained himself. He offered a sympathetic look to Lore.

“You take care of yourself, all right?”

She nodded, too tired and weak for words.

The woman glared at Lore one last time. Her bangle earrings shuddered. Lore realized with some terror that the woman was controlling another bout of rage—just barely. When the man had caught up to her, she raced out the grocery store, hunched over the cart like a deformed monster.

Lore held in her emotions. She had to while she rang up the last three customers in her line. Ben had closed her lane with the wall, and was patiently waiting for the last customer to leave.

That last customer was the old lady with the walker. She didn’t have a savings card and said she didn’t need one, not for the groceries she usually bought. Before she strolled off, she glanced at the doors through with the customer from hell had disappeared.

“I bet you anything that battle-ax was spoiled something awful by her father.”

Lore smiled for the first time in several minutes. She couldn’t openly agree with her, not with Ben standing right there, but the smile was enough.

The woman took her bag of kiwi fruit. “Enjoy your lollipop, sweetie. I hope more sweet things come your way.”

“Thank you,” Lore said softly.

When the customer was gone, she turned to Ben. “I quit. I can’t do this anymore.” She untied the apron ribbons at her neck.

“Lore, you’ve dealt with worse—”

“I’ve never had a customer throw sharp objects at me!” Her voice almost broke. She gave herself a few seconds before continuing. “I do everything you tell me. I do everything the customers tell me. I’m nice, I’m courteous, and it’s still not enough for anyone.”

“You can’t help what people do—”

She pointed a finger at him. “And you didn’t stand up for me. You knew I was in the right. You knew she was crazy. Any other manager would have stepped in to protect his employee.”

Ben held up his hands. “N-now, Lore, let’s not... let’s not...”

Lore shook her head and groaned. “It’s not worth it.”

She threw the apron down on the conveyor belt and stormed off to the break room to collect her purse. She heard the murmurs of horrified coworkers and a few requests to have the police called and track down the woman. Clutching the lollipop in one hand, she remembered the man and his kind eyes.

It was little consolation for Lore.

Movie Review: Romantic Comedy

One of the best pieces of advice I got when I expressed an interest in writing was this: You can learn a lot from a bad book as much as a good book.

In learning how romances were shaped, I’ve read a great deal of romance novels. When I got tired of flipping the pages and wishing I could have a somewhat less interactive (read: lazy) way of absorbing a romance, I turned to movies.

Scouring Netflix, I came across a movie simply titled Romantic Comedy. The name was simple, to the point. The copy was very promising:

Two thoroughly compatible writing partners -- a man and a woman-- spend 15 years together and share everything in their lives ... except a bed.

Hey, this sounds like a good time! I thought. I’m absolutely charmed by the description alone. I bet there’s going to be some sharp dialogue, and a slew of cute and sexy moments leading up to the inevitable moment where they confess their feelings.

I’ve got to stop assuming things based on copy alone.

Before I proceed, I feel the need to issue a disclaimer. People tend to get huffy when other people say they don’t like certain things, as if this in itself is a personal insult. So I’m going to say this ONLY ONCE: It’s okay if you liked this movie and consider it to be one of your Top 10. I’m not depriving you of the ability to enjoy this movie or believe that it’s one of the greatest love stories of all time. That said, I also have a right to my opinion. So don’t get your dainties in a bunch.

ALSO, SPOILERS AHEAD! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

ROMANTIC COMEDY (1983)

Starring: Dudley Moore, Mary Steenburgen

Directed by: Arthur Hiller

Written by: Bernard Slade

What a charming and cute poster! I’ll admit, this was what really drew me in to the movie. I love well-done advertising almost as much as I love a story that takes place in a vibrant locale. But as you’ll soon find out, this movie poster/DVD cover is a little more true to the movie than the original and somewhat zanier version:

 

I’m not a professional graphic designer, but I do know wacky 80s movie posters when I see them, even if they’re at a low resolution and some major details aren’t clear. Wowzers, this sure looks like a gut-bustingly hilarious flick! “Only two things can screw up their relationship: He’s one. She’s the other.” Look, they even replaced various letters in “Romantic” with cah-razy symbols! Oh, boy, we’re in for some hijinks!

We begin our story with Phoebe Craddock (Steenburgen) arriving at a fancy New York City home (prime real estate, nice view of the Brooklyn Bridge) to meet her new writing partner, Jason Carmichael (Moore) for the first time. Jason is getting married to a woman I’m going to creatively call Wifey, because I couldn’t be bothered to remember extra characters’ names. He’s busy fretting and complaining in his home office while his agent dryly quips about one thing or another.

(Please don’t ask me to look up these characters’ names. I want to forget more as possible after I’m through writing this. Besides, it’s not like they really mattered.)

Jason, under an incredible amount of stress from losing his other writing partner (some bigger and better deal, I think) and getting married to a socialite, mistakes Phoebe for his masseuse. The 80s must have been a more open time, because Jason strips naked for the session. Phoebe awkwardly stands there while Jason slowly realizes that this lady isn’t here to rub him down. Phoebe leaves the office to give Jason some privacy. Jason uses this time to rave about how he just made a fool of himself in front of a woman he’s just met.

And that was the best part of the movie. That’s the extent of the wackiness we’re going to witness. It’s a ninety degree drop from here until we hit the lukewarm ending.

The two writers get to know each other briefly. Phoebe is a neophyte in this whole playwriting business, but Jason sees some promise in her. But he’s got to run along now. He’s got a ball and chain to secure to his ankle. He doesn’t say so, but you can tell by the look he gives Phoebe; it’s the look of a man who is suddenly aware of the biggest mistake he’ll ever make in his life. Of course, the audience realizes that the two characters have an instant attraction to each other, but can’t act on it because, you know, the disease of marriage and all that. I’m surprised they didn’t play a dirge while Jason exited the office.

What follows is a nine-year sexless affair between these two “compatible” playwrights. And by compatible, I’m sure the Netflix copywriter meant that they shared gentle smiles, brewing passive-aggressiveness, and tame arguments. Other than the incorrect number of years, the copy pretty deceptive. But I’m straying from the review.

Let’s get back on track. Nine years, sexless, compatible, lying copy… Jason’s marriage doesn’t immediately dissolve into nothingness like he had probably been hoping. His acidic attitude hasn’t driven Phoebe into the office of a less reptilian playwright. Why Phoebe is emotionally attached to him is a mystery.

Moreover, it’s a mystery why people are accepting of the most sufferingly boring case of the Will They Or Won’t They trop in the history of cinema. In fact, Wifey is completely all right with another woman being in love with her husband and considers Phoebe to be her best friend and a part of the family.

Here’s the best example: After the flop of their first collaboration, everyone returns to Jason’s home to lick their wounds, drink, and maybe drizzle some alcohol on said wounds (theatre critics are harsh, I hear). Jason plops down on the couch and invites Phoebe to join him—and Phoebe lays her head in his lap. Their agent merely says, “She brings out the better part of you.” (How? We didn’t see a lot of their interactions other than a writing session and watching the actors put on the play.) Wifey comes in, asks her husband if they’re drifting apart, and sits down and sets Phoebe’s feet on her lap. I presumed that this was so she wouldn’t crunch Phoebe’s lower legs like an accordion and make some room for herself, but Wifey actually starts rubbing Phoebe’s feet and comments on how they’re cold. Keep in mind, the woman is fully aware of Phoebe’s blossoming crush on her husband.

Women who aren’t involved in polyamorous or open relationships usually don’t like other women pining after their own men. Maybe I’m projecting my own feelings here, but if I learned that a woman at my husband’s workplace was in love with him, I would warn my husband to avoid her at all costs. (Because delivering bombs to government bases is illegal. Plus, I wouldn’t know where to begin with bargain shopping for napalm.)

I also want to add that later on in this long, long, long scene that Wifey tells Jason she’s pregnant with their first child. Jason reacts to this as if he’s just guzzled a whole bottle of NyQuil and been told a true account about his grandparents caught naked and humping each other’s brains out on the kitchen butcher block. Phoebe reacts the same way when Jason tells her, only she acts as though she’s taken a tablespoon of NyQuil and was told about her own grandparents making out. The characters have realized that their relationship possibly can never be because, you know, there have never been people with children who have gone on to have other relationships. It’s proof of Jason’s “solid” bond to Wifey. But, damn, if it doesn’t make Jason and Phoebe look like douches.

For that matter, Jason never really interacts with his two kids. We see them maybe a total of three times until they quietly and immediately fall into the background. Hell, way beyond that. It’s like they were written out of the movie altogether. Wifey doesn’t appear all that much, either. On top of that, she doesn’t have a nasty thought or word for the little darling. Hell, Phoebe even helps her with a Jane Fonda pregnancy workout session and is in the waiting room with Jason when the Child #1 is born.

Phoebe is the perfect Mary Sue, dammit, and I’m just now realizing it.

Well, one great play and one massive flop later, Phoebe and Jason are in a hotel room trying to figure out where they went wrong. Did they use tired old tropes? Did the couple fall in love too quickly? Speaking of falling in love quickly, Jason says he did that at an awards show—and it was with Phoebe. Golly gee, Phoebe is just all flustered and doesn’t know what to do with herself. She certainly has an idea when Jason later comes to her bedroom, blabbering something about craving affection, and mouth-molesting her. They fall on the bed, make out… and Jason falls asleep, drunk out of his skull.

That was the second best part of the movie for me.

Of course, they act as if nothing had happened. Because the only way this love story is going to continue is when both parties keep denying their feelings for each other. Jason works out his by keeping any affection from his wife and children. Phoebe pours hers into a dashing reporter guy I’m going to call Speedbump. Because his feelings are going to get run the fuck over.

Like when Jason tries to drive a wedge between them. It’s pretty apparent that Jason hates the guy. He hates anyone who has designs on Phoebe and has effectively crashed all her other relationships into the ground. He’s this close to urinating on her leg and screaming at random men, “She’s mine, damn you! Stay away from her!”

Fast-forward, I don’t know, a few years. The duo are working on another play where the actress has proven herself to be quite the prima donna. She wants her character to remain single, whereas Jason, who obviously can’t separate his feelings from any project and has painted the heroine of this play as Phoebe, wants her to get with the guy. Long argument short, the two wind up in bed.

And Phoebe is pissed.

“I thought I was working with a man of honor and integrity!” she says paraphrasingly (I’m not watching this movie again, so you’ll have to take that quote as it is.) As she storms out, Jason catches up with her and gives her a sob story about how he’s going by a different name, he never graduated college, grew up in the slums, on and on. Then he adds that he married Wifey because he couldn’t get over the fact that someone of her station would want him. Which is a perfectly reasonable excuse to marry someone. Not for love or companionship. Just the fact that you’re astounded that someone from another tax bracket finds you mildly attractive.

Phoebe isn’t having any of it. She’s going to marry Speedbump and get the hell out of Jason’s life. We’re supposed to be rooting for her, but let’s revisit an important fact. Phoebe is perfectly all right with the idea of Jason and herself getting it on, even going so far as to have a damp, emotionless makeout session before Jason passes out on top of her… and she has the absolute gall to demonize Jason for having an actual affair with another woman? What, you only accepted two women in Jason’s life? Phoebe, your relationship isn’t exactly chaste, and you were very willing to elevate it to an extremely intimate level. While Jason was indeed in the wrong, you can’t very well take yourself out of it, chicky.

Since Phoebe is a Mary Sue in the extreme sense, Wifey is shattered that she’s left the partnership. “She was in love with you!” she tells Jason. Then some time later while Jason is watching his players block on stage, she tells him that she’s divorcing him. Frankly, Wifey is the most sympathetic character. I felt so bad for her, I almost looked up her name.

Fast forward three more years in this interminable story. The duo are reunited in Jason’s now-trashed prime real estate. Phoebe has written a bestselling book called—surprise of surprises—Romantic Comedy. And she wants to have it adapted into a play.

Now it’s Jason’s turn to rip into her. It’s a pretty cathartic scene, but the asshole has the nerve to blame her for destroying his marriage. (Last we checked, Phoebe didn’t stick her non-existent dick in that actress.) The pure rage is too much for Jason and he has a heart attack.

Of course, he makes it. Like that, my hopes are dashed, and so are Speedbump’s for having Phoebe all to himself. While Phoebe wails in relief on his chest, Speedbump kind of looks off to the side, probably thinking that his wife wouldn’t shed the same tears for him. Maybe a whimper or a sniffle, but full-on open-mouthed sobbing and rivers of tears? Not for you, Speedy. Phoebe saves her real emotions for assholes.

Jason effectively sabotages Phoebe’s marriage while she cares for him. The only joy I get out of these two finally coupling is that neither of them orgasm. I think this is the first time in the history of cinema where sex without orgasm was the most satisfying. Guess all those years of pent-up frustration did diddly-squat to the equipment, huh, Jason?

But non-explosive sex aside, Jason and Phoebe get their happily ever after. And without Jason’s pesky children, too.

Phoebe was sweet, but she kind of gave off a naïve, doormat-ish vibe. Jason was an insufferable douchebag who couldn’t admit his feelings for his writing partner, and so resorted to ruining every relationship she ever had. Enduring jealousy and manipulation aren’t admirable traits in anyone. I can clearly imagine Jason forcing Phoebe from talking to any other male while they’re together.

That’s not to say that Phoebe was entirely innocent. As I mentioned before, she harbored feelings for Jason and felt no qualms about diving into an affair with him or setting fire to her own marriage and watching it burn. I didn’t root for either them, but I will say that they definitely deserve each other.

It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t really a comedy. You lied to me, crazy symbols!

I think I’ll watch Love Story to cheer myself up.